In high school, I had an outlet to express my inner thoughts, mostly angry thoughts, out in the open. I joined theatre because I got to play different characters that were nowhere close to who I was in real life. I disliked myself back in high school and I wanted to put myself in someone else's shoes for once. It was my way of pausing reality and traveling to another world. Theatre was my anti-drug, anti-depression, anti-realization.
Now, I'm almost done with my second year of college and a lot has happened since then. My life's been in paradise and in shambles. Most of the time, I wish I could travel to another world again and pause everything whether I was happy or not. I have to admit, nowadays, I can't handle most challenges God gives me because I'm weak. I was usually always the strong one, but maturity has made me weaker. Maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe it's a way for me to open my eyes and see the world from another point of view.
You know it's another thing when you want to fight all these horrible things surrounding you. It's like, I can conquer you, I can make everything better, I am prepared to attack. But lately, my mindset has been, I have to escape, I'm going to get hurt even more, I'm not ready. Then I question myself as to why I think this way. Whatever happened to the strong front I've put up since high school?
Thinking about it now, I know what's happening. The curtain has closed already. Curtain Call. It's the end of my performance. I have to face reality once and for all. I can't back out. I can't play other characters anymore. I can't put a mask on and act everything out. That phase is over and I have to just keep my head up, get off stage and I suppose, hope for the best.
I don't want to but I have to. This is going to be a long year.
Hello Reality.
ah flo. xanga deja vu? don't let the change that college does get you down. aspirations change and we adapt accordingly. as a former theatre kid myself i know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteits nice to have the masks there to provide the protection that we all long for, but without it we can be our true-selves; no matter how much we dislike the fact that we're exposed. we can only grow from the experiences. If the mask was still there we would not have the opportunity to go through the life changing lessons.
you're strong. seeing the world in a perspective is never a sign of weakness. its a sign of growth. you're only getting stronger.
wow this has turned into a rant. i'll end it here, but now you can even follow my extra thoughts not meant for myspace or facebook.